Date:  August 24, 2023

Dear Journal,

I apologize for the intense nature of this entry.  A lot has happened that came out of the blue, so I need to process.  Writing it all down should help, but still.  Please be patient

It was around noon yesterday when everything started.  I was busy working on a writing project I was doing with my younger brother.  It is a story the two of us had been working on for a while, where we alternate writing chapters that come from the perspective of two different characters.  While I was writing, I forgot the name of one of the characters my brother had made, so I gave him a quick call to get the name from him.  It took a little bit for him to answer, but eventually he did.  I asked him the name of the character and he gave it to me, although he sounded a bit tense.  I then asked him where he was, because I always tried to check in with people if I call them for something.  He mumbled something about leaving.  I asked him leaving where and the line went dead.  I tried calling back, but the phone went straight to voicemail

At first I didn’t think much of it and tried calling him again a second time.  After the third call attempt went straight to voicemail, I grew concerned.  He never set his phone to go straight to voicemail and his comment kept on nagging at me.  I couldn’t put my finger on what bothered me.  It just didn’t sit right.  I decided to stop by my parents house, where my brother still lived, in the hope that they knew where he was going.  I wanted to make sure he was alright

Their house is a five minute drive away from mine, so it didn’t take me long to get there.  I spent the drive playing music and trying to stay calm.  When I pulled into their driveway, I noticed that my brother’s car was missing from the driveway.  Trying to calm myself down, I walked through the garage into the house.  When I walked in, I heard noises coming from the living room.  As I crossed from the laundry room into the kitchen, I heard my parents talking.  I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could tell from the tones that they were arguing.  I walked into the living room, said hi, and asked what they were talking about.  They went quiet, then dad said that they were just discussing a few things.  I asked them if they knew where my brother had gone and they both just sat there.  Eventually, dad said they didn’t know.  I asked how they didn’t know and mom began explaining

She said they had sat my brother down to have a conversation about his future.  He was planning on getting married and they felt like he wasn’t ready.  He worked as a bartender at a local restaurant and they felt like he needed to get a job that could support a family.  They had also told him that they didn’t think he was even ready to get married.  He had a hard time sticking to the family commitments, so they didn’t think he was ready to commit to someone for life.  They said he had gotten horribly upset with them, saying that he didn’t understand how having a nine to five that paid more than most adults wasn’t enough to support a family.  They had responded most adults lived paycheck to paycheck and they wanted better for him.  He had tried to explain he was making enough he wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck, but they knew from experience that wasn’t the case.  He apparently had tried to tell his parents that he felt like they never listened, a frustration he had shared with me before, but they wouldn’t listen.  They had informed him that they paid for his housing, food, and therapy, so he had no room to back talk them

I asked them how the conversation had ended.  Mom said that little bro had asked if they loved him.  They responded, of course, they were just disappointed he wasn’t doing better.  He said that he felt like they would only stop being disappointed when he was dead.  They hadn’t responded, as they had been taken aback by the comment.  Before they responded, he was out the door.  I stood there for a while, too taken aback to speak.  Mom immediately began defending themselves, saying no one could be expected to know how to respond to something like that.  I left, feeling numb.  I could hear my parents arguing again from the couch

I drove back to my house, planning on driving around to my little bro’s favorite spots in the hope that I could find him.  As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed a sheet of paper on my door.  I got out and walked up to the door.  The note read as below”

Dear big bro,

I am so sorry it has come to this. I don’t want this to happen and I am sorry beyond imagining for the grief that this will put you through, but I can’t stay any longer.  No one cares about me and I can’t stand taking up space any longer.  I don’t know if I will be gone by the time you find this, but regardless, please don’t try to stop me.  I’m too weak to handle the pain and no one can help, so I am leaving to get away from it all. Know that I loved you to the end and that you were one of the only reasons I have made it this long

Love,

Little Bro

Immediately, my mind started racing.  The comment he had made on the phone call now made sense.  He was planning on committing suicide.  I ditched the idea to check his favorite spots and, while running back to my car, dialed 911.  When the dispatcher picked up, I frantically started explaining what was going on.  After I finished, the dispatcher informed me that they had dispatched several cops to look for him.  I had given them my brother’s description, so they knew who they were looking for.  The dispatcher calmed me down, then asked if there was anywhere I could think of that he might go to die.  I thought about it and responded no, he hadn’t even talked about suicide before.  The dispatcher asked if he had ever joked about suicide before.  At the suggestion, I remembered that he had often joked about drowning himself in the nearby lake.  I had never taken it as more than a joke, but I realized he had said it seriously the last couple times.  I mentioned this to the dispatcher as I began driving to the lake.  The dispatcher said they would send a cop that way to help look and that an ambulance was on standby

As I arrived at the lake and started looking around, I tried to think of where he would be.  Deciding that checking the spots my family frequented when we visited the lake, I began driving towards one of the docks we liked.  As I drove by, I thought I saw my brother’s car.  Looking closely, I saw it was my brother’s car and that there was a bundle of his belongings on the dock.  Without thinking, I yelled my location into the phone and threw it into the passenger seat.  I whipped my car into the parking lot, jumped out without even stopping to turn the car off, and ran to the water.  As I was running, I saw some ripples in the water.  Diving off the dock, I swam towards where I had seen the ripples.  I desperately looked around the murky water, trying to find him. After a couple seconds, I saw a mass of black falling.  I swam as quickly as I could toward it and grabbed him, then started swimming up.  I managed to get him above the surface of the water, then started dragging him toward shore.  He was unconscious, which I tried to not panic over, but he didn’t look dead yet.  I reached the shore, then retrieved my phone from my car.  The dispatcher told me the ambulance was almost there and asked if I knew CPR.  I told him I didn’t, so he started instructing me on what to do.  Thankfully, the ambulance pulled up before I could do anything.  The EMS responders loaded my brother up in the ambulance after giving him CPR and getting him breathing again.  He didn’t wake up, but one of the first responders said that was normal

I followed them to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for a while.  Since I had the time now, I gave his fiancee a call to update her on what had happened.  She said she was about forty minutes away at a party and would be there as fast as she could drive.  I then sat there in shock, trying to process what had happened.  After an hour or two, one of the nurses came to get me.  As she led me back to his room, she explained that he had suffered from oxygen deprivation, but they had gotten him stabilized.  He had woken up and panicked, so they had sent her to get me in the hopes that I could calm him down.  They also knew I wanted to talk to him as soon as he woke up and could talk, so it was a win-win

As we walked into the room, I immediately saw how horrible my brother looked.  His face was sunken in and pale and the rest of his body looked too weak to even stand.  He was trying to yell at one of the nurses, but didn’t quite have the energy for yelling.  So he was more loudly talking to her, demanding to know why he was still alive.  When his gaze turned towards us because of the noise of the door and he saw me, he stopped talking and looked away.  I asked the nurses if we could be left alone for a little bit, which they said was fine.  The nurse I was with said that one of them would be back in soon to check on vitals, but would leave quickly after to give us some privacy

After the nurses had filed out of the room, my brother remained quiet.  I sat down in a chair beside the bed and tried to give him a hug, but he pulled away.  He started muttered something about not deserving love and that it would have been easier if I had just let him drown, but broke into tears before he could finish.  I asked him how he could say that and he responded, easily.  He wouldn’t say any more for a while, so I just sat with him, waiting for when he was ready to talk.  When that didn’t happen, I told him his fiancee was coming to see him.  His face turned noticeably whiter, which I did not think was possible in his condition.  He asked how mad she was with him.  I responded she was just concerned

He looked at me, confused.  “She has to be mad,” he told me.  “Mom and dad are mad, you’re mad.  Why isn’t she mad too?”

I told him I wasn’t mad, just concerned, which I am guessing was how she felt.  He looked away again, evidently not believing me.  I let out a sigh, then told him how concerned I had been when I saw the note.  I explained everything that had happened since the call and told him how much it meant that he was still alive.  I could see the tears forming in his eyes, which he eventually let out.  After he finished crying, he started to open up

He admitted that he had been feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for the family that he was going to be starting for a while.  Our parents telling him he wasn’t doing a good enough job of preparing for that had made him spiral into attempted suicide.  He felt like he wasn’t good enough to be a father and husband and that he wouldn’t be able to provide for his family like he should.  He also felt like no one ever heard him when he tried to share said feelings, because everyone simply told him that he was overthinking things.  I asked him why he hadn’t talked to anyone about it.  He said he had.  He had talked to our parents and they had only ever added to the expectations he was already crushed by.  He didn’t want to share any of these feelings with his friends because he didn’t want to burden them with problems that weren’t theirs.  He also admitted that he didn’t share it with me because he didn’t want to add to my problems.  He broke down into tears and admitted that he felt like the only way for everyone to realize that he was actually struggling was for them to see his corpse and prove he wasn’t just a baby

At this, I wrapped him up into a huge hug.  I looked him in the eyes and told him he wasn’t a burden, he was a gift that the rest of us enjoyed having around.  I told him his life was valued by others, even if he didn’t always see it

Around this time, his fiancee showed up.  She ran into the room and engulfed him in a hug.  She was in tears, asking why he had almost left her alone.  I walked back into the waiting room to give them some private time

Date:  August 23, 2024

Dear Journal,

It’s been a year today since my little bro tried to commit suicide.  So much has happened since then, I don’t know where to start.  First of all, him and his fiancee got married.  It was one of the happiest moments I have experienced, watching them at the altar, making their promises to each other.  They had been planning the event for so long, I was so long they were able to have it.  Also, his wife is pregnant, now.  She just announced it today, which I find fitting.  I can’t wait for them to find out what they are having!

My brother has come to terms with a lot of the feelings that he shared with me in the hospital room last year.  He has been able to work through quite a few of them both with his fiancee, me, and the therapist he started seeing almost a year ago.  He switched from the one our parents were paying for to a new one that has helped him so much.  He still has his moments and there have been a couple of other close calls, like when he almost strangled himself with an extension cord, but he has learned a lot in the past year.  He’s realized how many reasons he has to keep living, even when he can’t see them

Even though this isn’t my story, I have learned something very important from it.  In recent years, I’ve watched as suicide, depression, and anxiety have spiked.  Everyone is talking about how technology is making kids lose their feeling of self worth and how the consumerist culture has destroyed peoples purpose in life.  While I think there is a little bit of truth in some of these claims, I also think we are missing the main point.  I don’t think there are less reasons to live these days.  I think we have simply forgotten how to appreciate these reasons and that sometimes we just need someone to remind us of them